if anything is real, the heart will make it plain

lonely. thats how i really feel right now. i know i shouldnt be writing all these stuff here but i have no one else to turn to...i have no one. isnt that ironic? i always surround myself with people, yet i am the loneliest person in the whole world. i have no one to talk to. no one. no shoulders to cry on to, no nothing. made a promise to myself to only write happy thoughts here, but i couldnt. i just couldnt.

tears running down my face like a river on a rainy season. Ive never felt so low. gave my whole heart to a person but what do i get in return? my previous relationship didnt go so well and i blame myself for that. so i started opening my heart a little more, started to give a little more. but i think people tend to take things for granted. when things get comfortable you tend to forget that people do have feelings. i have feelings. im not made of metals. i dont have high expectations. i dont want expensive things. i dont need you to tell me how much you love me every minute of every day.

But it would be nice to greet me with happy cheerful face after a long drive to your house. it would be nicer if you could act as if you'r dying to see me...as much as im dying to see you.....sometimes its good for you to pretend..to make me believe that im not in this alone.....................that wer in this together....

it felt as im forcing you to go out with me. it felt as if you're not enjoying urself when you're with me. and it hurts. im trying my hardest to make things better for the both of us. since u started working of course. i dont get moody anymore. i give in to every fight. i forced myself to be okay when you have your mood swings. i dont get mad when you updated your twitter but dont text me after a long day...eventhough the only thing i do all day is wait for that one text message....

its okay if you feel suffocated at times. just tell me. ive been through worse. i need you to tell me..

i dont know what you want and i dont know what im supposed to do. it hurts when im all bubbly but you are nothing but cold. it happened every time. but i forced myself to be okay. i tried everything but nothing seemed to work.

wouldnt it be nice for you to give a little more effort? to laugh at my jokes once in awhile even if they're not funny? wouldnt it be nice to give me a little kiss on the cheek without me having to ask for it? wouldnt it be nice to talk about feelings instead once in awhile? wouldnt it be nice to pick me up for a change?

wouldnt it be nice, for once, to treat me like a true gentleman? hmm...

i guess i never learn anything from the past. i need to stop caring. yea i think ill do that. my eyes are badly swollen from crying. its been awhile..i guess this is the last straw.

ill just go with the flow from now onwards. ill stop putting efforts and we'll see how things go. my heart needs a little fixing. maybe a cold-hearted person is exactly what i need to be. hmmm....

nanites.

what is love you?

‎"love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." - Robert Heinlein

so, what about your own happiness?

suck it up and deal with it, girl. hm

gonna hit the sack early, tonight.

life sucks.

happy valentine's day, you lovebirds.

sweet smile

first of all, im not depressed or sad. i just listened to this song and i kinda like it. suits the rainy season mood. heh heh heh. and i know the song is lame, the singer is even lamer but what to do. im uncool lidat :P

I'm so glad you made time to see me

How's life, tell me how's your family

I haven't seen them in a while

You've been good, busier than ever

We small talk, work and the weather

Your guard is up and I know why

'Cause the last time you saw me

Still burned in the back of your mind

You gave me roses and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride,

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night

And I'd go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine

I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright

I go back to December all the time

These days I haven't been sleeping

Staying up playing back myself leaving

When your birthday passed and I didn't call

And I think about summer, all the beautiful times

I watched you laughing from the passenger side and

Realized I loved you in the fall

And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind

You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride,

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night

And I'd go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine

I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind

I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right

And how you held me in your arms that September night,

The first time you ever saw me cry

Maybe this is wishful thinking

Probably mindless dreaming

If we loved again I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't

So if the chain is on your door, I understand

But this is me swallowing my pride,

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night

And I'd go back to December

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine and

I go back to December, turn around and make it alright and

I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind and

I go back to December all the time

What would your life really look like if you could set it up like a scene and shoot it?

Yes i went to spore for laneway festival last weekend. it was super duper awee-soomeee! not much of a surprise there, huh? haha. Reached there at about 12pm on the day itself. had lunch, checked in and rushed to the park. (Not much time to look purdyy hence that explains why i didnt have my pictures taken. =P) Took the MRT and walked all over to the park! we got lost but got back on track thanks to me. haha

Overall, how do i sum it up? Well, lets see. The weather could have been nicer. It rained the whole day! bummer right? but am not complaining. We could all use a little sexy time, no? haha.

Okay some things didn't go the way i imagined it to be though. but am not complaining either. Really thought this trip would be somewhat romantic. You see, temper trap-sweet disposition is the ultimate love song ever. no, kidding kidding! but im going to play it on my wedding day and i dont care. so i have my expectations yknow *sigh*

It should have been awesome but it wasnt. No wrap up hands around me, no little peck on the cheek, no nothing. but am not complaining..no am not complaining. hmm i just wish things would turn around for me. if only wishes do come true....

line-up for laneway :

• warpaint
• layhawke
• beach house
• deerhunter
• chkchkchk
• holy fuck
• yeasayer
• foals
• temper trap

Everything reminds me of you

*came across this on adam young'a blog. its so heartbreaking..

Dizzy.

That’s how you feel when you run into a significant other you haven’t seen in a long time. A bitter avalanche of icy memories plows into your chest at breakneck speed, stealing the very breath from your lungs. Gasping for air, there’s really no use fighting it; the blow is instantaneous and it’s overpowering. Your eyes land on this person, your heart immediately stops dead, your knees go weak and you internally panic. You force yourself to walk over, but before either of you say hello, you’ve already got an endless amount of things you secretly want to say and an equally lengthy list of questions you wish you could ask.

What affection the two of you once shared was absolutely beautiful, consequently rendering any unanticipated meetings thereafter twice as awkward. But as everyone always reminded you, life has a way of operating, God has a mysterious way of working, and sometimes things change without a moment’s warning. Even after it was all said and done, it’s still hard to imagine how things could’ve ever evolved from “always” to “never” in what seemed like a single dramatic heartbeat.

Months and months later, you run into this particular person unexpectedly and the realization hits you like a brick wall. The pain is still there. It’s almost as painful as the night you said goodbye. Enough time has passed to con you into thinking you’ve begun to heal, and of course you probably have, but then you see this person and suddenly those old familiar aches begin to hurt all over again. You were finally beginning to mend after what happened, the relationship withered and ended, however dramatically, but the moment you lock eyes with this person you once shared so many dreams with, your stomach turns and a bitter taste fills your mouth. You can barely breathe. Half of you aches for things to be the way they once were, the other half longs to forget the whole thing ever happened. Regardless of your role in the conclusion of the relationship, it left you shattered and bringing it up after all this time would only pour another dose of potent heartbreak for both of you.

So there you are, standing face-to-face, unsure of what to say aside from the typical small talk jabber. A myriad of emotions swirl through both your heads but they only make former lovers more confused. Maybe you hug an awkward I-haven’t-seen-you-in-forever gesture, but that familiar mixed scent of perfume and cologne makes it even more impossible to know how to act, brief as the impending conversation inevitably will be. You just can’t stop thinking “things will never be the way they used to be” and that’s what hurts most. You both know where your identities lie, Who ultimately claims your hearts and where your fortresses are… and those things are truly what matter most, but this unforeseen meeting is still severely painful and there’s no denying that. It keeps you both awake for nights.

As healing as it is, you can only drive around at night listening to The Swiss Army Romance so many times.

This is me being honest. I tossed and turned a lot last week. I thought about someone so much it was unhealthy.

So here’s hoping I fall asleep easier tonight if I send a simple message out into the void:

Girl,

I still care about you. I think about you all the time. I’m praying for you constantly. I want so badly to know you’re being taken care of. I wish you the best in life, not because you’ll surely find it, but because you deserve it. You deserve so much.

I just wish you knew how much I miss you.

Adam

they moved forward and my heart died

whats past is past

Life is too complicated to contain and simplify, no?

am facing a psychological battle, attempting to overcome things, i know i cant control. i dont have much to offer and i know theres no need to dream about the things i know i cant have.

am trying to find happiness in a world that seems to be opressing and slowly falling apart,

am trying to find happiness in someone but that someone doesnt seem to understand. am i delusional?

i.am.torn.

i am torn between the life i knew and the one im trying to create. even though the future is very unclear, it still looks like freedom compared to the very recent past. ive made up my mind, now u make up yours.

a reminder

66 WEEKS TO MBBS FINAL EXAM

the time is now

*some pictures from obb preloved sale. 8th jan 2011 *

well hello hello!

(been MIA'ing for almost 3months now. time flies, huh?)

These past 3 months have been nothing but heaven! Been enjoying myself to the max! i almost forgot what it feels like, having absolutely nothing to worry about. You see, im a final year medical student. I spent most of my time studying. Especially during my 3rd year in klang. I was so focused on studying, i din have time to savour all the different flavours of life. I was so deeply entrenched in the daily buzz, comuting to and fro the hospital and studying my ass off for my 3rd year MBBS exam, i din really have the time to let loose. The only thing that kept me sane was god, and my baby :). seriously i would have commited a suicide if i werent strong enough! The tension was beyond madness! Seriously. Just the thought of it makes me feel all uneasy inside. Urgh.

Lets skip that stressful part and get back to the story on why i have been MIA'ing for so long. Shall we?

:)

okay so, finally after a series of non stop exams, i was able to live life, my life, like an actual human being! Had my minor posting for a month, electives for 2months and a month of PCM(primary care medicine) posting. So can u imagine how relaxing and free i was?? I cant even remember when was the last time i opened a book, let alone studied! LOL. Went back home every single day, enjoying the comfort of my own space. Aahhh such pure bliss. Did a whole lot of shopping, catching up with friends, activities after activities with tonnes of picturesss and managed to paint and decorate my room without any help from anyone! I was basically too busy enjoying life, i had no time to blog every single detail of everything. so i shall post pictures on my next few entries yea? haha. Life was pretty amazing in that short period of time. And that short period of time ends today!

i shall remember today for the rest of my life. because today, january the 10th, marks the end of my life. literally. its gonna be downhill from today onwards. my gynae posting starts today, which means i NEED to start studying my ass off. again. and it doesnt just end there. the cycle goes on and on and on till the day i die.

dont get me wrong, i like what im doing. seriously. but sometimes the tension is just too much. more than what i bargained for. *sigh* i might make it look easy for you, but the truth is, nothing compares to the stress us medical students & medical personnel(particularly HO andMO) are facing. that is why, a short break like these mean the world to me.

gosh, its 1.52 am now. whatdeheyyyyll am i doing here??? ok nanites girls. dont let the bed bug bites! xxx