The night before I turned 31

My dear Dian and Dara,

Right before I turned 31, I had a total meltdown. 

It wasn’t about getting old, mind you. 

I don’t mind getting old. 

We will all die eventually.

People who know me, they know I am not a ‘people’ person. 

I will pretend like I don’t see you eventho you are standing right in front of me cos I dont know what to say. 

Im just not good with small talk. 

I like to mind my own business. 

Someone even told me I was too ignorant of my surroundings. Just because I was quiet and just because I’ve always pretend to not know whats going on.

So I tried to open up more, voice out my opinion more, and I guess showing off more...

Deep inside I’ve always wanted to inspire people to do the right thing. 

I’ve always wanted to have an impact in people’s lives. 

I’ve always wanted to share more, to create more, to serve more, to inspire more. 

I guess there was this little needy me that wanted attention and recognition. 

Someone commenting on me being ignorant just made it worse I guess. 

That night, 

The night before I turned 31.

I watched something online. 

And it struck me really hard. 

And that was the reason of my meltdown. 

“Exposing our intentions or showing off our ibadah will contaminate our sincerity. Allah may accept flawed action, but Allah would not accept flawed intentions. Once we expect rewards or praises from HIS creations, we are no longer sincere and we are no longer doing it for Allah” 

Its as if Allah was trying to tell me to stop. 

I felt so bad, so ashamed I cant even explain it in words. 

I cried so hard I could barely sleep. 

That night.

The night before I turned 31.

i learned about sincerity. 

So my dear Dian and Dara, 

“Cover your deeds and keep your intentions pure.” 

#notestoDianDara

The Ugly Truth

if anything is real, the heart will make it plain

lonely. thats how i really feel right now. i know i shouldnt be writing all these stuff here but i have no one else to turn to...i have no one. isnt that ironic? i always surround myself with people, yet i am the loneliest person in the whole world. i have no one to talk to. no one. no shoulders to cry on to, no nothing. made a promise to myself to only write happy thoughts here, but i couldnt. i just couldnt.

tears running down my face like a river on a rainy season. Ive never felt so low. gave my whole heart to a person but what do i get in return? my previous relationship didnt go so well and i blame myself for that. so i started opening my heart a little more, started to give a little more. but i think people tend to take things for granted. when things get comfortable you tend to forget that people do have feelings. i have feelings. im not made of metals. i dont have high expectations. i dont want expensive things. i dont need you to tell me how much you love me every minute of every day.

But it would be nice to greet me with happy cheerful face after a long drive to your house. it would be nicer if you could act as if you'r dying to see me...as much as im dying to see you.....sometimes its good for you to pretend..to make me believe that im not in this alone.....................that wer in this together....

it felt as im forcing you to go out with me. it felt as if you're not enjoying urself when you're with me. and it hurts. im trying my hardest to make things better for the both of us. since u started working of course. i dont get moody anymore. i give in to every fight. i forced myself to be okay when you have your mood swings. i dont get mad when you updated your twitter but dont text me after a long day...eventhough the only thing i do all day is wait for that one text message....

its okay if you feel suffocated at times. just tell me. ive been through worse. i need you to tell me..

i dont know what you want and i dont know what im supposed to do. it hurts when im all bubbly but you are nothing but cold. it happened every time. but i forced myself to be okay. i tried everything but nothing seemed to work.

wouldnt it be nice for you to give a little more effort? to laugh at my jokes once in awhile even if they're not funny? wouldnt it be nice to give me a little kiss on the cheek without me having to ask for it? wouldnt it be nice to talk about feelings instead once in awhile? wouldnt it be nice to pick me up for a change?

wouldnt it be nice, for once, to treat me like a true gentleman? hmm...

i guess i never learn anything from the past. i need to stop caring. yea i think ill do that. my eyes are badly swollen from crying. its been awhile..i guess this is the last straw.

ill just go with the flow from now onwards. ill stop putting efforts and we'll see how things go. my heart needs a little fixing. maybe a cold-hearted person is exactly what i need to be. hmmm....

nanites.

what is love you?

‎"love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." - Robert Heinlein

so, what about your own happiness?

suck it up and deal with it, girl. hm

gonna hit the sack early, tonight.

life sucks.

happy valentine's day, you lovebirds.

sweet smile

first of all, im not depressed or sad. i just listened to this song and i kinda like it. suits the rainy season mood. heh heh heh. and i know the song is lame, the singer is even lamer but what to do. im uncool lidat :P

I'm so glad you made time to see me

How's life, tell me how's your family

I haven't seen them in a while

You've been good, busier than ever

We small talk, work and the weather

Your guard is up and I know why

'Cause the last time you saw me

Still burned in the back of your mind

You gave me roses and I left them there to die

So this is me swallowing my pride,

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night

And I'd go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine

I'd go back to December, turn around and make it alright

I go back to December all the time

These days I haven't been sleeping

Staying up playing back myself leaving

When your birthday passed and I didn't call

And I think about summer, all the beautiful times

I watched you laughing from the passenger side and

Realized I loved you in the fall

And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind

You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride,

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night

And I'd go back to December all the time

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine

I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind

I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right

And how you held me in your arms that September night,

The first time you ever saw me cry

Maybe this is wishful thinking

Probably mindless dreaming

If we loved again I swear I'd love you right

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't

So if the chain is on your door, I understand

But this is me swallowing my pride,

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night

And I'd go back to December

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

Wishing that I'd realized what I had when you were mine and

I go back to December, turn around and make it alright and

I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind and

I go back to December all the time