El loco

i have been suffering from crying spells my whole life. i thought it was normal until recently i was so curious n i ended up 'google'ing it. after that long reading and googling i can finally conclude that i am suffering from a depression syndrome or maybe an anxiety problem. wow. now apart from my hypochondriac and lipoma i have all these new addition in my psychotic life. no wonder im so cracked up. no, seriously.

i wonder who can really understand me and help me go thru this all. i get emotional all of a sudden. i get angry very easily for no absolute reason. sometimes the little2 things cud set me on fire. i get upset very easily too.

hmmmmm i doubt sherhan can endure all these for long. weve been together for a year plus now. and i can see that hes not that type that will console u and make u feel all better. hes just not that type. hes not the type who will call u in the middle of the night just to talk to u for hours just to make u feel all better. he has his own way but hmm that upsets me all the time. just because hes not what i expected him to be. and when im upset, i will throw all these mean words just to reach out for him hoping he'll come and make things all better. but u see, its not as easy as 1,2, 3. whenever i throw all these mean words things will lead to a very messy fight. hmm, and sometimes to a point where im sick and tired of it. what started to be an innocent way of seeking for attention ended up to be this really huge and ugly fight. its tiring. seriously.

sometimes i just need that reasurrance like everybody else does. it doesnt hurt to spend 5 minutes of ur time to get all lovey dovey and say nice things like u dont have to worry cos ur the only person in my life whom i want to be for the rest of my life with. it doesnt hurt at all. or at least give such random call and it doesnt have to be long. just a simple i love u and i miss u wud be nice instead of giving me a text message. these might look simple to u but it leaves such big impact on me. i am that type of person who constantly need to be reassured. but no, ur so caught up in ur own little world to notice all these little2 things i am craving for. come to think of it, maybe u just dont put dat extra effort into this relationship. i dont know

like i said. im all cracked up.
xoxo

our time is running out

at the end of the day, it all comes down to how badly that person wants you back. talk is cheap baby. talk is cheap.

the patterns you left me

i couldnt help but to pity myself.

im not the same atikah i used to be anymore. i have to agree with shahira on this. im no more fun to be around with. She said something that triggered me; im 'heavier' now. when she said heavier she din mean it literally. she was referring to the never-ending-issues im dealing now compared to my carefree pasum years. i gez ive grown into this independent woman everyone once tot i could never be. now that im not depending on anyone anymore like i used to, i gez i have to settle things on my own. but the question is, i dont have a lot of things to settle. so in what way am i 'heavier'?

after that long conversation with shahira and lydia, i somewhow feel in many ways that ive changed into this complete stranger. and its sad. really sad.

the one thing i cud think of right now is this.

once upon a time, i used to be this little girl who couldnt stop talking about getting married and having my own family and stuff. i dreamt of getting married at the age of 16 every second of every day. every single day. and when i reached 16 i din have the guts to say it to my parents so it somehow got extended to 19. i was so in love. i dont know whether i was in love with the person of simply in love with THE IDEA OF having SOMEONE TO LOVE.

u might be asking urself. ok so, in wat way hav i change?

let us talk about the current nur atikah mustafa. for once in my life, im not very keen to get married. i have no one to blame but myself.dont get me wrong. i still wanna get married and have kids n yadaa yadaa. BUT. theres a major but. frankly, now i only like the idea of getting married. i really dont mind whom im marrying anymore. u wanna know why? simply because i dont believe in true love anymore. true love has been long dead to me. and my PASSION towards love hasnt been the same ever since. i used to be this strong person because i know i had something so SUPERIOR everyone else could only dream of. i had a very solid LOVE LIFE. and thats exactly wat made me invinsible. every single detail of my life was so perfect. i was one of the top student in my school, bonds with friends were unbreakable, and a solid love. and now that ive lost that passion, everything else seems to be falling apart too. ive lost that magic touch. im no longer one of the top student. even passing the exam now feels like an OMG thing. ive lost a lot of frens, and hmm...i feel dull each day. dull. thats the exact word shahira used to describe me.

could i ever get that passion back?

maybe its time..

i think i deserve so much more than this. im so sick and tired of fighting. yes u heard me right. i dont even know why wer fighting in the first place but what i do know is that we fought a lot. i dont remember of ever fighting this much before. mind u im not comparing. but ok u see, now everything i learn is based on evidence based medicine. and i apply it to my everyday life. my judgements are based on evidence. hmm

i feel so suffocated at times. its like ur controlling me and my life. i need air to breathe. if this is the way, i dont think i can live any longer than this

cant we negotiate to achieve one goal? is that so hard to do? why do we have to fight and fight and fight and fight? cant we talk things out? duh. obviously no. cos u wont even listen to me let alone trying to solve things out with me. urgh maybe i shud stop caring. ok i think ill do that.