i couldnt help but to pity myself.
im not the same atikah i used to be anymore. i have to agree with shahira on this. im no more fun to be around with. She said something that triggered me; im 'heavier' now. when she said heavier she din mean it literally. she was referring to the never-ending-issues im dealing now compared to my carefree pasum years. i gez ive grown into this independent woman everyone once tot i could never be. now that im not depending on anyone anymore like i used to, i gez i have to settle things on my own. but the question is, i dont have a lot of things to settle. so in what way am i 'heavier'?
after that long conversation with shahira and lydia, i somewhow feel in many ways that ive changed into this complete stranger. and its sad. really sad.
the one thing i cud think of right now is this.
once upon a time, i used to be this little girl who couldnt stop talking about getting married and having my own family and stuff. i dreamt of getting married at the age of 16 every second of every day. every single day. and when i reached 16 i din have the guts to say it to my parents so it somehow got extended to 19. i was so in love. i dont know whether i was in love with the person of simply in love with THE IDEA OF having SOMEONE TO LOVE.
u might be asking urself. ok so, in wat way hav i change?
let us talk about the current nur atikah mustafa. for once in my life, im not very keen to get married. i have no one to blame but myself.dont get me wrong. i still wanna get married and have kids n yadaa yadaa. BUT. theres a major but. frankly, now i only like the idea of getting married. i really dont mind whom im marrying anymore. u wanna know why? simply because i dont believe in true love anymore. true love has been long dead to me. and my PASSION towards love hasnt been the same ever since. i used to be this strong person because i know i had something so SUPERIOR everyone else could only dream of. i had a very solid LOVE LIFE. and thats exactly wat made me invinsible. every single detail of my life was so perfect. i was one of the top student in my school, bonds with friends were unbreakable, and a solid love. and now that ive lost that passion, everything else seems to be falling apart too. ive lost that magic touch. im no longer one of the top student. even passing the exam now feels like an OMG thing. ive lost a lot of frens, and hmm...i feel dull each day. dull. thats the exact word shahira used to describe me.
could i ever get that passion back?
