1. paint room
2. watch all movies possible
3. ikea
4. shower :P
5. go out
Thursday, October 28, 2010
from Verona with love
the movie was nothing but ur typical cliche romantic love story, yet, there is a certain comfort in familiarity. and i must say i am moved by the story. makes me wanna go to verona and pretend to be sophie :)
one of my favourite scenes
sophie : victor, we went on a honeymoon and we didnt mind being apart with each other. it shouldnt be that way. wer supposed to WANT to be with each other all the time (so sad right? ahhhh)
oh oh and look what i found on the net! this lady wrote an actual letter to juliet...
“How do I unwrap my heart that’s been broken so many times in the past and take the risk of having it broken again? I’m married to a man I love but sometimes it’s safer to keep my love at a distance.”
and tadaaaaaaa! juliet replied her mail! im soo in love with juliet! someone take me to Verona pleaseeeee
Dear Kathryn,
Thank you for your letter. When I read it, I wanted to reach across the ocean and hug you. Or, to bring you to Verona, where perhaps your faith in Love might be restored again.
There is no easy answer to your question. Women and men have been asking this same question for centuries. What I can tell you is that you are not alone. Continue to have hope! This, with the awareness of your fear, and its cause, and the desire for your husband to help you open up again. I think these are enough to set you on the right path toward Love and Trust.
There is no courage where there is no fear. I believe Love is similar – that it only becomes stronger when it must navigate obstacles in its path. The same door that opens your heart to vulnerability, also opens your heart to joy.
Courage, my dear. And one little step at a time.
Warmest wishes from Verona,
Juliet
Friday, October 15, 2010
the engineer to my heart
so cute right? hihihihi
my notty boy started working 2 days ago. LIKE FINALLY! *roll eyes and plays with hair* :b
He had been applying for various jobs for months. i, myself witnessed the struggle and the constant rejection and it was tiring, seriously. he went to the post office more often than i brushed my hair! (i dont usually brush my hair cos theyr naturally straight, smooth and silky :P) so you do the math. pity him right?
ok so, last week, like suddenly liddat he got a phone call from SONY. we went all the way to bangi few days before the actual interview day so that he wont sesat. me being me aka super loving gf and super duper supportive gf, of course i would teman him eventho i had like tests coming up and all. sacrifice for the loved ones right? :b
ok back to the story, he had to do few tests before the interview session; iq, maths & stats & english. after he was done with the test, he had to wait for the test result then only the interview. my baby was called first for the interview! (strike one!). after the interview, he was so good the sony people decided to hire him on the spot! (strike 2!) heee. he turned down 3 offers for this. im soo proud of YOUU!
so to cut a long story short, i love him. -the end-
Sunday, October 10, 2010
shitty day
(in my UM room. messy, no? haha)top : bought online
black shorts : supre'
bag : charles & keith
Saturday, October 9, 2010
you left me wanting for more
dominos classified chicken pizza is THE BEST!!!! omg omg omg i can still feel it in my mouth!
ok heres the thing. since im so obsessed with dieting, i dont usually eat :P. LOL! but somehow about 2 months ago, i started to have this sudden major craze over food, especially if it has anything to do with cheese and oily stuff combined. my personal favourite would be mcD's cheese burger and cheese fries (never tried mcD's cheese burger until 2 months ago. i know, dont judge! hahaha). omg so sedapppp! and so freakin cheap! during ramadan alone i ate like 3 mcDs per week! its not even funny anymore! im turning into one of those obese people. with a strong family history of diabetes, i reckon i would be diabetic soon if this madness dont stop!
since then, ive been going around stuffing myself with all kinds of food. unhealthy ones, mind u (haha like its a good thing right? well that explains my current weight *sigh*).
so today, went to dominos pizza for lunch. apparently they have this new classified chicken pizza. no one told me how awesome it is! so being me, i ordered the thin crust pepperoni and my friend lyd bought the classified chicken. she went on and on about the pizza even before we reached there. i didnt really get why, i mean its just chicken right? buuut when i got there it was a different story. tried lyd's classified chicken and the world just stopped for a moment there. i swear im not exaggerating. it was soooooooo creamy and cheesyyy. not to mention the white awesome sauce ceceyh. kept thinking about it until now. ahhhhhhhh damn you classified chicken. if i were thinner i would have bought you when i went out with my baby just now and eat you on the way home. hahahaha i hate being fat and ugly. urgh.
Friday, October 8, 2010
hear me now
'Each of us may think we know exactly what we need to make us happy, what will be good for us, what will ensure our happy ending, but life rarely works out in the way we expect, and our happy ending may have all sorts of unexpected twists and turns, be shaped in all sorts of unexpected ways.'
i have to say ive had my fair share of ups and downs to make me realize that god has better plans for us, for you, for me. im the kind of girl who always knew what she wants. i would make an endless lists of what i want and what im going to achive. but now, when im much older and wiser *puke please* ive finally come to my senses that when things dont go your way, its okay. its not the end of the world. if uve been following my blog, the first few entries were a bit bitter where i talk about me and life and stuff that didnt go my way, but as you can see, now, im wiser.
YOU once told me, lets life be a journey, it doesnt always have to be my way, lets make our own story, and u were right. you were right all the time.
romantic doesnt always have to be a certain way. it doesnt always have to be like a dinner for two at a fancy restaurant, gazing at each others eyes for hours, calling each other up each and every night till one of us falls asleep. it should not stop you from experiencing joy of all the little2 details that life has to offer, your partner has to offer. cos we didnt come from the same background anyways so lets life be a journey, for you and me :)
it might not always be a walk in the park, it might not always be a smooth sailing journey, but one thing i know for sure, you are the one person i wish, i would have met much earlier in life.
happy 2-year anniversary sayang! ( 16 days to go. hihihi)
you dont know what you got till its gone
Boy:I broke up with her.
His Best Friend:What happened?
Boy:She’s just too much for me.
His Best Friend:What makes you say that? What did she do wrong?
Boy:Well, for one.. She only cared about her appearance. Always had to look good, always took forever to get dressed! So insecure..
His Best Friend:So, you broke her heart because she wanted to keep your eyes locked on her? She wanted you to see that you have the prettiest girl under your sleeve and not think otherwise? I see..
Boy:Oh.. Well.. She’d often call me or text me asking where I am, who I’m with, telling me not to smoke, not to drink. She’s so clingy!
His Best Friend:So, you broke her heart because she cares about your well being? Because she cares about you a lot? And her greatest fear is losing you. I see..
Boy:But.. Uhh.. Well, she’d always cry when I say something slightly mean. She can’t handle anything. She’s a crybaby!
His Best Friend:So, you broke her heart because she has feelings? And because she just wanted to hear you say you love her? I see..
Boy:I.. Well! You know, she’d get jealous easily. I could barely talk to other girls! She’s so annoying! I had to hide it from her so she wouldn’t b●tch about it.
His Best Friend:So, you broke her heart because she just wanted you to commit to her? She thought you were faithful, but you lied so she could find out later and hurt even more? She just wanted the guy she loves the most to love only her. I see..
Boy:Well, she..
His Best Friend:You broke up with her because she’s good for you? She just wanted the best for you? She’s broken now because you were selfish. Are you proud?
Boy:I broke her heart.. Because I couldn’t see what was happening.. What happened to me?
His Best Friend:You lost the girl that loved you like no one else could. You see? You didn’t want her when all she ever wanted was you. THAT’S what happened
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
this made me cry so bad
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....
Friday, March 19, 2010
the promise
LOVE : doesnt mean that ur never gonna get hurt.
but i can guarantee u this..
that any pain you feel will never ever compare to the regret that comes from walking away from love.
as someone who has felt a lot of both,
trust me,
pain beats regret every day of the week and twice on sunday.
so love like theres no tomorrow
Saturday, February 13, 2010
endless love
im a song repeater.
i can listen to only one song for weeks. even for months. no its not even funny anymore. am i like crazy or something? at first, i thought the habit of repeating one song over and over again was normal. been asking around and theres a lot of people like me out there. well dat obviously made me feel less freakish. i mean, c'est assez normal right? haha
theres a major but. those people i was referring to, they usually repeat one song..well...up to one week and dats it. but unlike them, i usually listen to dat one song for more than a week. u name it; bfast, in the toilet, tv, in the car, before sleep, during sleep, after sleep.
yea im weird. so what weyh? haha
ok so, my song of the moment is endless love thanks to glee. its a classic so what? ur gonna laugh at me just because i listen to classic love song in my 20's? (gosh im in my 20's already?) its almost valentines dayy. give me a break. LOL.
ok so u know how corny the song is right? yea its like the corny'est' song ever.
somehow, ça m'a donné des frissions. im not kidding! well in a good positive way it made me feel so very much in the mood for valentines. i feel so corny and cheesy most of the time now. but since sherhan is not that type i just have to keep it to myself. haha. but yea i wud love to have that romantic moment with him. he's my bf afterall. omg. to just sit and doing nothing. to just gaze into each others eyes and dance after in the middle of nowhere with moon and stars and a very silent night. ahhhhhhh rindu nya. i miss that feeling. havent been feeling it for quite some time now. maybe its the process of a relationship. at first u feel it and then it just sort of dissappear for awhile.
but i miss that feeling. im full of it now but i wanna feel it with someone. not just me with a song. ahhhhhhh rinduuuuuuunnyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. i miss to be all jiwang and romantic and cheesy and ahhhh.
maybe dat explains why i listen to this particular song 24/7. because this song allows me to feel in love. and i want to feel like im in love 24/7. because to me dats the definition of true love, no? the power of a song. ahh it shud have been the power of love instead, not a song. haihh
the first few times i listen to this song, i burst into tears. not a tear drop kinda cry. ive-lost-a-child kinda cry. it was crazyy i tell you. it came to a point where i was actually gasping for air! i have no idea why i cried. maybe its the emotion which i dont think i can keep it to myself anymore i think. its like the inner me had been trapped all these while. she wants to get out, feel the love.she wants to feel the power of love. she want to be in love. not just loving someone and being loved by someone. but to actually feel it deep down in her heart. and the only way to do that is to spent hours talking in the middle of the night, spend some quality time together and in between stop and just look into each others eyes for some time and say i love u in a very romantic tone ever. and talk about life, future, love anything. and i think we lack that. wer so caught up with our daily lives and assigments and classes and chores we tend to forget about our other half. the only conversation we have each day will be informing what we are doing. like oh im goin to class already, going back, im bored, that kinda thing. where is the love yaw?
:(
i can listen to only one song for weeks. even for months. no its not even funny anymore. am i like crazy or something? at first, i thought the habit of repeating one song over and over again was normal. been asking around and theres a lot of people like me out there. well dat obviously made me feel less freakish. i mean, c'est assez normal right? haha
theres a major but. those people i was referring to, they usually repeat one song..well...up to one week and dats it. but unlike them, i usually listen to dat one song for more than a week. u name it; bfast, in the toilet, tv, in the car, before sleep, during sleep, after sleep.
yea im weird. so what weyh? haha
ok so, my song of the moment is endless love thanks to glee. its a classic so what? ur gonna laugh at me just because i listen to classic love song in my 20's? (gosh im in my 20's already?) its almost valentines dayy. give me a break. LOL.
ok so u know how corny the song is right? yea its like the corny'est' song ever.
somehow, ça m'a donné des frissions. im not kidding! well in a good positive way it made me feel so very much in the mood for valentines. i feel so corny and cheesy most of the time now. but since sherhan is not that type i just have to keep it to myself. haha. but yea i wud love to have that romantic moment with him. he's my bf afterall. omg. to just sit and doing nothing. to just gaze into each others eyes and dance after in the middle of nowhere with moon and stars and a very silent night. ahhhhhhh rindu nya. i miss that feeling. havent been feeling it for quite some time now. maybe its the process of a relationship. at first u feel it and then it just sort of dissappear for awhile.
but i miss that feeling. im full of it now but i wanna feel it with someone. not just me with a song. ahhhhhhh rinduuuuuuunnyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. i miss to be all jiwang and romantic and cheesy and ahhhh.
maybe dat explains why i listen to this particular song 24/7. because this song allows me to feel in love. and i want to feel like im in love 24/7. because to me dats the definition of true love, no? the power of a song. ahh it shud have been the power of love instead, not a song. haihh
the first few times i listen to this song, i burst into tears. not a tear drop kinda cry. ive-lost-a-child kinda cry. it was crazyy i tell you. it came to a point where i was actually gasping for air! i have no idea why i cried. maybe its the emotion which i dont think i can keep it to myself anymore i think. its like the inner me had been trapped all these while. she wants to get out, feel the love.she wants to feel the power of love. she want to be in love. not just loving someone and being loved by someone. but to actually feel it deep down in her heart. and the only way to do that is to spent hours talking in the middle of the night, spend some quality time together and in between stop and just look into each others eyes for some time and say i love u in a very romantic tone ever. and talk about life, future, love anything. and i think we lack that. wer so caught up with our daily lives and assigments and classes and chores we tend to forget about our other half. the only conversation we have each day will be informing what we are doing. like oh im goin to class already, going back, im bored, that kinda thing. where is the love yaw?
:(
Thursday, February 11, 2010
walk with me, like lovers do
im a helpless romantic.
*are u one too? i wanna hear ur thoughts. i'll hear yours and you'll hear mine. we'll share our thoughts till we get bored of each other. get bored? is dat even possible? then maybe u wud wanna take that long walk with me. we will walk..we will walk like lovers do. u dont have to worry, they'll understand.*
so what do u say to taking chances?
*are u one too? i wanna hear ur thoughts. i'll hear yours and you'll hear mine. we'll share our thoughts till we get bored of each other. get bored? is dat even possible? then maybe u wud wanna take that long walk with me. we will walk..we will walk like lovers do. u dont have to worry, they'll understand.*
so what do u say to taking chances?
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
emotions running high
happy,
sad,
in love,
love,
loved,
regret,
missing u,
missing him,
missing her,
past,
present,
future,
excited,
not so excited,
jealousy,
....
arghhhh,
hmm,
fuck u?
fuck me.
hye bitch,
thx for ruining my life.
hye sherhan fariz,
i miss you
hye YOU,
dance with me.
sad,
in love,
love,
loved,
regret,
missing u,
missing him,
missing her,
past,
present,
future,
excited,
not so excited,
jealousy,
....
arghhhh,
hmm,
fuck u?
fuck me.
hye bitch,
thx for ruining my life.
hye sherhan fariz,
i miss you
hye YOU,
dance with me.
*bitch = me
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
dua kalimah syahadah
from today onwards, i will pray at least 5 times a day and read at least one page of alquran per day.
and insyaallah..when im ready ull see a brand new me. amin :)
and insyaallah..when im ready ull see a brand new me. amin :)
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
El loco
i have been suffering from crying spells my whole life. i thought it was normal until recently i was so curious n i ended up 'google'ing it. after that long reading and googling i can finally conclude that i am suffering from a depression syndrome or maybe an anxiety problem. wow. now apart from my hypochondriac and lipoma i have all these new addition in my psychotic life. no wonder im so cracked up. no, seriously.
i wonder who can really understand me and help me go thru this all. i get emotional all of a sudden. i get angry very easily for no absolute reason. sometimes the little2 things cud set me on fire. i get upset very easily too.
hmmmmm i doubt sherhan can endure all these for long. weve been together for a year plus now. and i can see that hes not that type that will console u and make u feel all better. hes just not that type. hes not the type who will call u in the middle of the night just to talk to u for hours just to make u feel all better. he has his own way but hmm that upsets me all the time. just because hes not what i expected him to be. and when im upset, i will throw all these mean words just to reach out for him hoping he'll come and make things all better. but u see, its not as easy as 1,2, 3. whenever i throw all these mean words things will lead to a very messy fight. hmm, and sometimes to a point where im sick and tired of it. what started to be an innocent way of seeking for attention ended up to be this really huge and ugly fight. its tiring. seriously.
sometimes i just need that reasurrance like everybody else does. it doesnt hurt to spend 5 minutes of ur time to get all lovey dovey and say nice things like u dont have to worry cos ur the only person in my life whom i want to be for the rest of my life with. it doesnt hurt at all. or at least give such random call and it doesnt have to be long. just a simple i love u and i miss u wud be nice instead of giving me a text message. these might look simple to u but it leaves such big impact on me. i am that type of person who constantly need to be reassured. but no, ur so caught up in ur own little world to notice all these little2 things i am craving for. come to think of it, maybe u just dont put dat extra effort into this relationship. i dont know
like i said. im all cracked up.
xoxo
i wonder who can really understand me and help me go thru this all. i get emotional all of a sudden. i get angry very easily for no absolute reason. sometimes the little2 things cud set me on fire. i get upset very easily too.
hmmmmm i doubt sherhan can endure all these for long. weve been together for a year plus now. and i can see that hes not that type that will console u and make u feel all better. hes just not that type. hes not the type who will call u in the middle of the night just to talk to u for hours just to make u feel all better. he has his own way but hmm that upsets me all the time. just because hes not what i expected him to be. and when im upset, i will throw all these mean words just to reach out for him hoping he'll come and make things all better. but u see, its not as easy as 1,2, 3. whenever i throw all these mean words things will lead to a very messy fight. hmm, and sometimes to a point where im sick and tired of it. what started to be an innocent way of seeking for attention ended up to be this really huge and ugly fight. its tiring. seriously.
sometimes i just need that reasurrance like everybody else does. it doesnt hurt to spend 5 minutes of ur time to get all lovey dovey and say nice things like u dont have to worry cos ur the only person in my life whom i want to be for the rest of my life with. it doesnt hurt at all. or at least give such random call and it doesnt have to be long. just a simple i love u and i miss u wud be nice instead of giving me a text message. these might look simple to u but it leaves such big impact on me. i am that type of person who constantly need to be reassured. but no, ur so caught up in ur own little world to notice all these little2 things i am craving for. come to think of it, maybe u just dont put dat extra effort into this relationship. i dont know
like i said. im all cracked up.
xoxo
Friday, January 15, 2010
our time is running out
at the end of the day, it all comes down to how badly that person wants you back. talk is cheap baby. talk is cheap.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
the patterns you left me
i couldnt help but to pity myself.
im not the same atikah i used to be anymore. i have to agree with shahira on this. im no more fun to be around with. She said something that triggered me; im 'heavier' now. when she said heavier she din mean it literally. she was referring to the never-ending-issues im dealing now compared to my carefree pasum years. i gez ive grown into this independent woman everyone once tot i could never be. now that im not depending on anyone anymore like i used to, i gez i have to settle things on my own. but the question is, i dont have a lot of things to settle. so in what way am i 'heavier'?
after that long conversation with shahira and lydia, i somewhow feel in many ways that ive changed into this complete stranger. and its sad. really sad.
the one thing i cud think of right now is this.
once upon a time, i used to be this little girl who couldnt stop talking about getting married and having my own family and stuff. i dreamt of getting married at the age of 16 every second of every day. every single day. and when i reached 16 i din have the guts to say it to my parents so it somehow got extended to 19. i was so in love. i dont know whether i was in love with the person of simply in love with THE IDEA OF having SOMEONE TO LOVE.
u might be asking urself. ok so, in wat way hav i change?
let us talk about the current nur atikah mustafa. for once in my life, im not very keen to get married. i have no one to blame but myself.dont get me wrong. i still wanna get married and have kids n yadaa yadaa. BUT. theres a major but. frankly, now i only like the idea of getting married. i really dont mind whom im marrying anymore. u wanna know why? simply because i dont believe in true love anymore. true love has been long dead to me. and my PASSION towards love hasnt been the same ever since. i used to be this strong person because i know i had something so SUPERIOR everyone else could only dream of. i had a very solid LOVE LIFE. and thats exactly wat made me invinsible. every single detail of my life was so perfect. i was one of the top student in my school, bonds with friends were unbreakable, and a solid love. and now that ive lost that passion, everything else seems to be falling apart too. ive lost that magic touch. im no longer one of the top student. even passing the exam now feels like an OMG thing. ive lost a lot of frens, and hmm...i feel dull each day. dull. thats the exact word shahira used to describe me.
could i ever get that passion back?
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
maybe its time..
i think i deserve so much more than this. im so sick and tired of fighting. yes u heard me right. i dont even know why wer fighting in the first place but what i do know is that we fought a lot. i dont remember of ever fighting this much before. mind u im not comparing. but ok u see, now everything i learn is based on evidence based medicine. and i apply it to my everyday life. my judgements are based on evidence. hmm
i feel so suffocated at times. its like ur controlling me and my life. i need air to breathe. if this is the way, i dont think i can live any longer than this
cant we negotiate to achieve one goal? is that so hard to do? why do we have to fight and fight and fight and fight? cant we talk things out? duh. obviously no. cos u wont even listen to me let alone trying to solve things out with me. urgh maybe i shud stop caring. ok i think ill do that.
i feel so suffocated at times. its like ur controlling me and my life. i need air to breathe. if this is the way, i dont think i can live any longer than this
cant we negotiate to achieve one goal? is that so hard to do? why do we have to fight and fight and fight and fight? cant we talk things out? duh. obviously no. cos u wont even listen to me let alone trying to solve things out with me. urgh maybe i shud stop caring. ok i think ill do that.
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